


Fuck, Marry, get drunk with

by R00bs_Teacup



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-27
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-15 13:12:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3448430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/R00bs_Teacup/pseuds/R00bs_Teacup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gwaine's been playing this with people, using himself Arthur and Merlin, and he's not happy with the answers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fuck, Marry, get drunk with

“Guys,” Gwaine says, whining, sitting on top of Arthur’s stomach. 

Arthur grunts, shutting his eyes, and throws the book he was half reading at Gwaine’s head and tries to get him off. Gwaine just wobbles a bit. 

“Why,” Gwaine continues, “do people always want to fuck me?”

Arthur pulls a sofa cushion over his face. Merlin can deal with this. 

“What are you on about?” Merlin says, sounding amused. 

“You know,” Gwaine says.

“No we don’t,” Arthur says, muffled by his ‘oh my god I live with idiots’ cushion. 

“I always quite want to-“ Merlin muses. 

Arthur throws the cushion at him to interrupt that thought. He does not need to hear another rhapsody to Gwaine’s bottom. Speaking of, though. Arthur tucks up his knees so Gwaine falls against his chest and Arthur can get a hand onto said-bottom.

“He’s groping me!” Gwaine says, gleefully, wriggling. 

“I just wanted a hand warmer,” Arthur defends. 

“How come,” Merlin grumbles, “I’m not allowed to talk about sexing him, but you are perfectly entitled to his arse? I want a go.”

Merlin comes and sits on Gwaine’s bum, and Arthur’s hand. 

“Lie down,” Arthur says, “we’ll make a Gwaine-sandwich.”

Merlin laughs and gets himself in place to be second bread, then gets up to tug the green blanket off the back of the sofa. 

“Lettuce,” he explains, laying it out and lying on top. 

Arthur gets a perfect idea. 

“Merls, get the cushions I threw at you, and the matching chair one.”

Merlin does as he’s told, then lies down again. Arthur grins. 

“You know, red cushions. We just made a GLT.”

“Gwaine lettuce and tomato!” Merlin says. 

Arthur and Merlin both break down laughing. Arthur can feel Merlin’s giggles through Gwaine. 

“Now,” he says, still laughing, “we’re microwaving the sandwich. By radiating it with laugh-rumbles!”

“GLT Toastie!” Merlin adds, setting them off again. 

“You two are real hoots,” Gwaine grumbles, stuck between them.

He seems content enough, though. He’s all limp and relaxed, and Arthur can feel him smiling, lips against Arthur’s neck. It’s been a while since they’ve had time to just be together, it’s nice. Arthur sighs and reaches his arms up around them both, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. 

“What were you on about, with the fucking thing?” Merlin asks, sounding sleepy. 

“You know,” Gwaine says. 

“Already established that we don’t kn-“

“Shut up, Pendragon. Don’t interrupt. As I w-“ Gwaine starts.

“You interrupted me!” Arthur complains. 

“AS I WAS SAYING,” Gwaine says, grinning against Arthur’s neck, “that game. The one.”

“Oh!” Merlin says, “like, at Morgana’s the other night, Arthur. Fuck marry kill?”

“Fuck marry get drunk with,” Arthur corrects. 

“don’t be grumpy just because no one wanted to marry you,” Merlin says. 

“They did too,” Arthur says, “you did. And Gwen did.”

“Gwen only said that because Lance was making her horny,” Merlin says.

“Still,” Arthur says, “and Libby at work would, who you know, and Will said he would! So there.”

“I can’t believe you keep a tally,” Merlin says. 

“Stop it,” Gwaine says, “you see? You two always get to be married or be drunk with, but everyone just wants to fuck me. I feel used.”

Arthur starts to laugh again, and he can feel Merlin vibrating as if he’s trying not to. Gwaine must feel it too, because he rolls over. Merlin lands on the floor with a yelp and Gwaine gets up, going to sulk in the arm chair. Arthur keeps his eyes shut and keeps on laughing, and Merlin climbs back onto the sofa to cuddle. 

“Now I feel left out,” Gwaine says, “how come no one wants to get drunk with me? I’m FUN to get drunk with. And I’d be great at being a husband.”

Arthur laughs again, and Gwaine huffs. Merlin gets an elbow into Arthur’s side, gentle but warning. Arthur shrugs. 

“It’s funny,” he says. 

“It’s just because you flirt with everyone,” Merlin says, gentler than Arthur would, “and because to be honest, you’re an obnoxiously annoying drunk.”

“What about Penny? He turns into a complete puppy!” Gwaine says. 

“Gwaine, he just turned the both of us into a sandwich, cuddled the shite out of us, and snuggled you before that. He’s always a puppy.”

“Hey!” Arthur says, though he doesn’t mind much, there are worse things to be. 

He bites Merlin’s ear, anyway. 

“Ng,” Merlin mumbles, “don’t do that! Sharp teeth!”

“Even if I am annoying,” Gwaine says, determined to be annoying about this, “they could at least consider marrying me.”

“Um,” Merlin says, but Arthur can tell he’s run out of things. 

“I’d make a good husband,” Gwaine says. 

“Hey, G?” Arthur says, grinning, “who is it you are dating, again?”

Gwaine goes quiet, then comes and feels Arthur’s forehead, looking into his eyes. 

“Are you sick? I’m dating you two, you plonker,” he says. 

“Yeah, and who are we, again?”

“What?”

“He means,” Merlin says, exasperated, “that he’s super duper important and I’m super duper scary.”

“No one would dare you marry you,” Arthur says, pleased with himself. 

Gwaine goes quiet again, but he looks smug and pleased, too. He sits on Arthur’s stomach again. 

“Possessive prats,” he says, sounding happy about it. 

“God, stop sitting on me!” Arthur says, wriggling until Gwaine lies down again. 

“So,” Gwaine says, snuggling in, “how come people dare to marry you and Merlin?”

“You’re not important,” Arthur says.

“Or scary,” Merlin adds.

Gwaine’s quiet a bit longer, then he snorts. 

“I know you two are just playing me,” he says. 

“We are not!” Arthur says, “As if we’d do such a thing!”

“Actually,” Merlin says, “to be honest, I think people honestly are terrified. I mean, they know me and Arthur, have for years, for the most part. We’re Arthur and Merlin, Merlin and Arthur. We’re two, a pair.”

“What am I, chopped liver?” Gwaine grumbles. 

“Exactly,” Arthur says, getting Merlin’s meaning, “people are terrified. They have no idea what you did. They’re in awe. It’s absolutely spectacular. If they only knew.”

“You know,” Gwaine says, “I have no idea what I did.”

“Neither do I,” Merlin says, “if by that you mean how he snook into our relationship and made himself at home.”

Arthur makes mysterious noises. 

“You sound constipated,” Gwaine says, curiously.

Arthur tries again, with the mystery. It works no better. He considers making them into a sandwich again, in punishment, but then shrugs. He can’t really remember how Gwaine ended up their bacon. 

“You’re the bacon,” Arthur says, “without you, we’re just bread with limp salad.”

“And you’re the reason vegetarians cannot stay away from meat,” Merlin adds.

“He’s trying to make some kind of euphemistic joke about you turning everyone into cock loving monsters,” Arthur says. 

“Once again,” Gwaine says, “you two are a hoot. Don’t give up your day jobs.”

“Seriously,” Arthur says, “without you, we’re just bread.”

He’s pleased with his sandwich metaphor, he feels it’s profound. He’s also feeling incredibly warm and sleepy, so he tunes out the rest of Merlin and Gwaine’s conversation. 

**

“He’s snoring again,” Merlin whispers. 

Gwaine grins, looking at the ceiling. He can feel Arthur’s chest go up and down every time he breathes out. They’ve moved to the bed so Arthur can nap more easily, the sofa beginning to feel cramped, but Arthur had barely woken up and had just snoozed back off right away.

“I like being your bacon,” Gwaine says, “he’s so ridiculous, but I like the bacon thing.”

“He thinks he’s profound,” Merlin says, laughing, sounding fond.

Gwaine smiles, softer, and closes his eyes. 

“I don’t mind people wanting to fuck me,” he says.

“Yeah, cus you already have two husbands, and two people to get drunk with. But, you know, the fucking thing…” Merlin says. 

Gwaine flings himself over Arthur on top of Merlin and starts tickling him. They stop when Arthur’s snores stop, freezing, but then he starts up again and Gwaine leans down, straddling Merlin’s hips, kissing him.

**Author's Note:**

> so, someone asked tumblr user sir-gwaine-in-camelot this, and I kind of went a bit... yeah. It made me... yeah. Story. Here, have story.


End file.
